he

He said I was hauntingly beautiful. and it was the most flattering thing that I had ever heard.

He said that he remembered me as a child because I was absolutely beautiful and I felt happiness in my chest because he remembered me.

He said that I was his favorite because I didn't play kissing tag with him like the other girls on the playground and even in first grade, I remember I began to love him.

He told me that we needed to stick together because that was the only way that we were going to make it and unfortunately, I doubted him.

He said I had nothing to be ashamed of because I had a perfect body and I remember feeling respected.

He told me that he loved me and my stomach got warm and my head filled with his emotion.

He swore to me that I was who he wanted above all others. My mind drew an empty, white blank.

He told me that I was special to God and I wanted to believe him.

He told me that he would never leave me. And I knew that it would never be true in my heart.

He told me to keep on keeping on because there were no answers for my questions.

He told me that it was nice to see me around again and I believed him, because he is a sincere person.

He said that I was his daughter and I felt safe.


lovers, best friends, a patriarch, my bishop, playmates, boyfriends, friends, someone elses' grandfather, a brother, my father: all the men, the many men in my life have said things to me that mean so much. How can these things mean so much? There is no way that I can write down everything that I remember anyway. I really only know how much the things they said impacted me, and I love them for that. I really love them for thinking so kindly and sincerely and for telling me what they did. In many ways, because we draw perception of ourselves based on our feedback from other people, thank you for helping me perceive myself.

slrig

Stuffy

I bought a ticket to Sufjan Stevens. I hope it's wonderful, I've been waiting over six years to see him live. Yay :)

I feel diffrnt.

I'm not really sure where it came from, but this feeling has arrived. I feel changed-like I finally am going where I really want to be. I really want to be a learned person and friended and hugged and listened to and successful. I really want my life to be simple, but my mind to be full and it's getting there. I'm going to school, taking some really interesting classes and meeting a lot of neat people that have a lot to offer. I'm getting involved in some clubs that are seriously making a difference in my community that's really effecting the way i see my own culture.

I'm studying communications at Utah Valley University and lately I've really enjoyed reevaluating my life and my belief system and opening my eyes to social rules that I've never seen before. It's really humbling because I thought I paid attention to a lot before, and now I feel like my boat has been rocked. In the right way. I needed to have a perceptual shake up.

I hope you have a good day,

mostly because I'm appreciating the working class more and I feel like assuming that you fall in that enormous category of society. Okay good bye.

findd

Kate MccGwire is rocking my mind right now. She's is absolutely brilliant, check it out.

yo.

like this.

not so good morning

i walked out to my car yesterday morning, and here in some of the most gorgeous morning light that i will ever see, i found him. and to think he has lived at my house for many years :(

not so good morning. ....ah, or was it?

this beautiful body was empty and i stared at it for over ten minutes. it kind of woke me up, honestly. And while yes, quite literally i was then fully awake, i could feel myself wake up to life again. A few times i've had opportunities to indirectly interact with death or the idea of death and i get these intensely grateful moments. Moments where i take a look at myself and keep myself in check. I think about so many things that i have-so many incredible blessings and physically my muscles relax and my mind slows down. i realize how great this whole life thing is working out-i'm making an impact on the people in my life, and everyone in my life is making a serious impact on myself. I have such a learning process going on. I have so many friends and loved ones and support-often times i forget to recognize what i have going for me when i think about trying to impress people or trying to measure up to what i think i don't have. I try to put my best foot in the door, when in reality-i'm already in the other room. i'm already here, i don't know what i'm worrying about ha.

About a year ago, when my mom and her second husband separated, i told myself to never ever take anything for granted because i really really thought they were the perfect couple. as naive as that feels to say, I really thought that i could get married and live a happy life and have a stable, loving family if i followed in their footsteps but then it all was gone so suddenly and very very quickly. A lot of other relationships that i had seen around me growing up weren't what i would say happy or stable or healthy. Even though as i look back now on my mothers second marriage, knowing more than i did, i realize that i wasn't looking at the entire picture. I took for granted that they were and that they would be together for the rest of my life. I took for granted that my life was as stable as my heart expected it to be. I never stepped outside of my self and realized that pain wasn't just in my past, kept in my childhood-that pain happens throughout life and that nothing is as stable as I make it out to be sometimes.

This beautiful body of a raccoon-however shocking the pool of blood it laid in may be-helped me remember that seriously, all of this could be left behind in a moment. a moment. that is so incredibly insane. Something can happen physically for an instant and everything is behind you-death can take you on your next journey.

(wow, please anne-marie, remember this. please.) For as long as i can remind myself, i will not take for granted my health, wealth or support. My family, friends, or education. My work, my relationships or my beauty. My intelligence, my love or my stability. Everything around me can and will change eventually but in my heart i will always be extremely grateful for my what i have in my life and what i've been through. ah, there's my stability.

So, with a calm heart-thank you Raccoon, for saving my mind. i desperately needed this, and i wish you luck in the beyond beyond.

born bare

naturally, i like my fingernails bare. i like my toenails bare too.

i like my teeth clean and flossed

(i floss now, it's awesome.)

I like the feeling of happy tears on my face. i cry those every now and again when things get great. I like typing. I feel really talented that i can type so fast. no, please don't tell me how fast you can go. i'm just going to sit here, in this bright room and type as fast as i like and think that it would entertain kings and children alike. my typing is really very interesting. especially when ...well nevermind. there isn't a special time that i'm extra good at typing.

I was at a house party the other night with one of my best friends and we met this woman with red hair and she was telling me a story-it was kindof insignificant and i felt really

really, bad because

I got completely distracted right in the middle. She was facing me and talking and i turned to the side and stared at the christmas lights on the wall that were reflecting in the windows.

oh man, i looked at her and just told her "Oh gosh, i'm so sorry, i have a.d.d."

what the f. what kind of answer IS that. sorry i'm a little distracted, it's not your fault that you're not as interesting as these lights here. I guess it was alright though, because a little while later, she actually was crying at me and we were sharing this pretty moment on this couch together. She had really big, beautiful wet eyes. Her tears lined her lower lid and i really really liked watching them well over and pour effortlessly onto her pale skin. The room was all glowy from the lights and she was the kind of interesting where i pretend i'm not as interested as i really am until i see the person again and it's not as weird. i guess i need to grow up a bit. ha, whatever. grown ups do that too. "grown up" is bologna. but i can't wait to see her again. i think i've seen her at one of our local music venues before anyway :)

Big Bat Bat

boys boys bosy

when i was little, my uncle Paul used to say he'd have to hit off all the boys with a bat in a few years because they were all going to be flooding my house like hormonal zombies.

i didn't take him seriously. but Paul, can you bring that bat out now?

okay, don't do that actually. i'll regret asking.

think about it: there are millions and billions of boys. ..okay well, we can narrow that down to probably one million that are in my age range, and eligible. ha, even down to maybe 100 thousand that have 70% of the qualities that i'm interested in.. and probably 50 thousand of them i would be physically attracted to.

okay, so there are about 50 thousand boys. give or take

they're scattered all across the globe, and i'm just supposed to come across them, and spark interest in them, and one by one, see which one i like the best. that sounds completely exhausting. what if i miss them? i mean, i've lived in my town all my life and i haven't met ten percent of them. i mean, i get out. i'm pretty social, i i

don't really know what i'm talking about.

sigh-okay listen. i feel small. i feel like there are so many girls. so many girls that are wonderful and interesting and i don't like competitions. I like debates, but i don't like emotional, messy competitions. one's that could involve phrases like "it's a dog-eat-dog world out there". What if all those girls get my 50 thousand men? what if i only get to choose between say, 42 by the time i'm ready to be serious? ohman oh man that's sad. i would be completely missing out.

so i have a tiny question: Paul can you get all those girls with your bat?

haha. i'm not even serious. i'm not. really. but Paul, can you still do it?

Jody Rogac

i like Jody Rogac's style and i feel..i don't know, i feel curious when i see her work.

deep down, i really want her to photograph me. pretty badly. ha it's okay, i don't know what i would do with the photos anyway. i'd treasure them, but i don't know how to show them off. i feel like i need to be famous first or have some sort of purpose before i jump in front of someone's camera and start giving them my hard practiced faces ..that never look right unless reflected from a mirror.

besides, everyone has pictures. there are billions and billions of photos of cute girls everywhere. everywhere. it's ridiculous in a ..too much way.