not so good morning

i walked out to my car yesterday morning, and here in some of the most gorgeous morning light that i will ever see, i found him. and to think he has lived at my house for many years :(

not so good morning. ....ah, or was it?

this beautiful body was empty and i stared at it for over ten minutes. it kind of woke me up, honestly. And while yes, quite literally i was then fully awake, i could feel myself wake up to life again. A few times i've had opportunities to indirectly interact with death or the idea of death and i get these intensely grateful moments. Moments where i take a look at myself and keep myself in check. I think about so many things that i have-so many incredible blessings and physically my muscles relax and my mind slows down. i realize how great this whole life thing is working out-i'm making an impact on the people in my life, and everyone in my life is making a serious impact on myself. I have such a learning process going on. I have so many friends and loved ones and support-often times i forget to recognize what i have going for me when i think about trying to impress people or trying to measure up to what i think i don't have. I try to put my best foot in the door, when in reality-i'm already in the other room. i'm already here, i don't know what i'm worrying about ha.

About a year ago, when my mom and her second husband separated, i told myself to never ever take anything for granted because i really really thought they were the perfect couple. as naive as that feels to say, I really thought that i could get married and live a happy life and have a stable, loving family if i followed in their footsteps but then it all was gone so suddenly and very very quickly. A lot of other relationships that i had seen around me growing up weren't what i would say happy or stable or healthy. Even though as i look back now on my mothers second marriage, knowing more than i did, i realize that i wasn't looking at the entire picture. I took for granted that they were and that they would be together for the rest of my life. I took for granted that my life was as stable as my heart expected it to be. I never stepped outside of my self and realized that pain wasn't just in my past, kept in my childhood-that pain happens throughout life and that nothing is as stable as I make it out to be sometimes.

This beautiful body of a raccoon-however shocking the pool of blood it laid in may be-helped me remember that seriously, all of this could be left behind in a moment. a moment. that is so incredibly insane. Something can happen physically for an instant and everything is behind you-death can take you on your next journey.

(wow, please anne-marie, remember this. please.) For as long as i can remind myself, i will not take for granted my health, wealth or support. My family, friends, or education. My work, my relationships or my beauty. My intelligence, my love or my stability. Everything around me can and will change eventually but in my heart i will always be extremely grateful for my what i have in my life and what i've been through. ah, there's my stability.

So, with a calm heart-thank you Raccoon, for saving my mind. i desperately needed this, and i wish you luck in the beyond beyond.